I guess I need to get back on the saddle, as they say. This is my first weekend working with Andrew since I went back Home. The assignments have been pleasant but it was awkward. I feel like the progress we made was washed away. It’s nothing he said or did. And I don’t think he’s angry with me. I feel like I’ve disappointed him and You. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to serve You perfectly and make Andrew proud but I just don’t understand humans. Sure, most of them have been nice. But how does one make sense of someone taking the life of another person? I’m not sure I belong down here. Yet I know You are always right in everything You do. I’m so confused.
Andrew’s friends have been very kind to me since I came back. However, I can tell they’re wary. They think I’m going to hurt their friend. The worst part is, I think I have. As much as I want to do Your will, I think Andrew’s even more set on it. I tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault that I struggled so with what we saw. I’m not sure he believed me. He blames himself for not being able to take my pain away. He is so good, so sensitive. I think maybe the hardest part of that assignment was seeing the tears well in his eyes when it started. He said he’d never met that man who was killed but he seemed to love him. I think that’s what I most want to learn from him: how to love them even without knowing them. And how to love them when they are known, foibles and all. But to do that, I need to stick with our assignments. I won’t ask to take any more breaks. I promise.
I think I’m going to see if Andrew’s free for dinner. A talk would be good, I think.