I feel much better than I did when I last wrote to You. I still feel sad when I think about what happened in Denver but You’ve let me see so many great things since then. It helped to spend time with people I care about, too.
Around the middle of last month, Laja had her bad bout with her allergies. I was sorry she felt so awful but it was nice to be there for her. I feel like they all spent so much time watching out for me last winter and I want to do the same. And if that meant watching Little House on the Prairie then I wanted to do it!
Mick, Josef, and I took to the new golf course for the first time. I had a great time with the two of them. Sometimes I suspect they don’t feel as much a part of us as we wish they did but that evening out on the green, I think they felt it… even if Mick couldn’t believe I came in second after Josef.
I found myself with a lot of time to think during my assignment last week. Maybe that was Your plan. I have to admit that for a while I wondered what I was doing there. Installing virus protection and removing adware from computers just isn’t the typical angel of death gig. But then when I found Kristi’s suicide note on her computer, I understood. I’m glad I could reach out to her and help her find a reason to live. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding how something as beautiful and blessed as love can leave such a dark, frightening void in its wake. Her sadness and her struggle to find hope really hit me.
I don’t ever want to be the cause of a void like that, Father. I don’t usually have to concern myself with what people feel for me. Just that one time with Erin. I thought about her when I confronted Kristi. And I thought about Jordan, too. Erin and Kristi found their way back. And I know Jordan found his way to You. But I still think about that night sometimes. Did he do it because he didn’t want to face a life without Molly if the worst happened? Was he thinking clearly or was there just a moment when his dread drove away his sanity and in that moment he made the decision?
How can a person be sure that they’re there for their loved ones and at the same time help them to know that, even without them, they’re strong people who have so much to give and who can lead a full life? That’s what I’m praying to understand. I think it’s important I know. Please help me.